Be That A Herring In Thy Pocket?
by Minnn
Summary: An attempt and an Specific Fanfic entry with Obernewtyn characters taking a slightly melodramatic turn talking in prose. Starring Brydda, Domick, Elii, Henry Druid, Atthis and a confused Angina who thinks he's Harry Potter...


**Be That A Herring In Thy Pocket?**  
By Mindy

(A/N: This was entered into the Specific fanfic comp – that's still open – at Obernewtyn.net. For details, go there and follow your nose. But I wanted to put it here, just to make you all wonder – again – what it is I'm drinking and where I'm getting my purple berries from…)  
All characters are used/abused from other ppl…Isobelle Carmody, JK, Baz, um…Seasame Street…whoever made Joe Millionaire..

__  
  
Starring:   
Joe Millionaire as Brydda  
Daniel Radcliffe as Angina  
John Leguizamo as Domick  
Santa Claus as Henry Druid  
Ewan McGreggor as Elii  
Big Bird as Atthis  
  
Scene1:_  
Open curtain on Elii sitting atop a windmill dressed as a clown, frowning. In the background, Brydda is sitting at an empty bar, his eyes lolling to sleep. Angina is sitting with his legs dangling over the bar, wearing a pair of glasses and Quiddich robes._  
  
**Elii:**  
[singing]  
There was a man,  
A very large and lonely man,  
They say he never owned a car,   
Worked with tar,   
And always wore King Gee's.   
  
But then one day,  
A shady man, he came his way,  
[Enter Domick, dressed in a trench coat holding a **bible**]  
With stories large of wealth and pride,  
To find a bride,  
And finished off to he:  
  
**Domick: **The greatest gift,  
You'll ever earn,  
Is that of Faith,   
A **Bible**, son, you've earned.   
  
Domick puts the **bible** into Angina's hand, though he sings to Brydda. _  
Cut music.   
Elii sits at the bar next to Brydda.   
Brydda squints at Domick.   
Angina looks between the pair, then rolls his eyes and opens the **bible**. _  
  
**Brydda: **  
Pray, tell me good sir, do I knowest thee?  
  
**Domick:**  
I sir? I think thou art mistaken, for  
I dids't arrived this very moment.   
  
**Elii: **  
[leaning over.]  
From whence didst thou come?  
  
**Domick: **  
That is a lie, sir!  
  
[Elii jumps to his feet, clearly offended. Brydda looks between the pair. Angina holds the book up closer to his eyes.]  
  
**Brydda: **  
Peace, good Elii, for I daresay we have   
Not heard our good wandering minstrel out.  
Come, rest thy frosted feet and share thy tale.   
  
**Elii: **  
Do you quarrel sir?  
  
**Domick:**  
I sir? No sir!  
My only business is with your fellow,   
And that I might bring the word of Lud to  
He, and thee, if thou wouldst permit it?   
  
**Elii:**  
Say nay, Master Brydda! 'Tis a trap!  
  
**Angina: **  
I say, do you lot mind? I'm trying to study this rather strange piece of ancient religion you thrust on me here you know!  
  
**Brydda: **  
Peace lad, I trust this face, for I have  
A feeling our paths have cross'd before,   
Mayhap in another time, another life.  
Didst we perchance share some spirit or fine   
Wine in another town? Or, mayhap did   
We dine a fine omelet in this very tavern?   
Yes, good minstrel, I know thy face well, yet  
Knowst not how, nor why, nor whence, nor who.  
  
[Enter Henry Druid in red cloak]   
  
**Henry Druid: **  
Trust him not, lest he purge thy soul, post haste!  
  
[Elii, Domick and Brydda gasp.]  
  
**Elii: **  
As both mine eyes do see; art thou a ghost?  
  
**Brydda: **  
Elii, nay! I don't believe in ghosts!  
Sir Henry Druid!! Thou art alive, and whole?  
  
**Henry Druid:**  
Both!   
  
**Brydda: **  
Then pray, tell us how thou came to be in  
This wilderness of taverns, without a **bible**   
Of thine own? Dost thou not also sing praise?  
  
**Domick:**  
Alas, I fear our brother Druid has   
Wander'd afar from the teachings of Lud.   
For hast thou not, Sir Druid, forgotten  
That a minstrel must live and breathe and sing?   
The very governance of his soul must   
Hum the lovely tune of Lud should it not?  
  
**Henry Druid: **  
How canst thou say such words, such fancies, when  
Thou art a traitor thyself?   
  
**Elii: **  
It cannot be!  
  
**Henry Druid: **  
Didst thou not say, good Rebel, that thou   
Knewst this face?   
  
**Brydda: **  
Aye, so I said, good sir.   
  
**Henry Druid: **  
Then look again, twice, and thrice, and face death!  
  
[Henry Druid grabs the trench coat and flings it from Domick – Domick is revealed to be wearing a shiny vest of armour and a gun belt. A look of sudden coolness overcomes Domick. Everyone – except Angina, who merely grins boyishly – is dumbfounded]  
  
**Angina: **  
Hey, aren't you that Tybalt fellow?   
  
**Elii: **  
Alas, poor boy! One with such innocent   
Eyes wouldst not recognise the traitor afar!  
For he is not a wand'ring minstrel at all!  
He is Domick, and a coercer.   
  
**Brydda: **  
Domick I see, but also a book of   
Lud. Mine eyes deceive me twice. Art thou   
Practicing the word of Lud, and a traitor?  
  
**Domick:**  
[lights a cigarette and glares at Brydda, then poises his hands over his guns]  
The word of Lud is a bullet to my   
Mind, as this dagger is to your bear-heart.   
Arise, my friend, my foe, and look upon   
Thy death.  
  
**Elii:**  
Stay! I will go aloft, fear not!  
  
[Elii exits, his clown shoes flopping]  
  
**Henry Druid: **  
Didst I not try to warn thee?  
  
**Brydda: **  
Aye, you did.   
I was blinded by trust for a man who  
So loyaly extends his words and book.   
I shall ne'er be so fooled.  
  
**Domick: **  
Nay, thou shan't!  
Turn and draw; it is time to match our swords!  
  
**Brydda: **  
I do but keep the peace amongst men and  
Wonder why thou comest at me with words  
Of such hate and torment? Brother Domick,  
Why dost thou hate me so?   
  
**Domick: **  
Need I a reason?  
Fair well, indeed for a man who fights that  
Which he will never understand, never  
Hope to save, never dream to watch and see   
That within this **bible** lies the key.  
  
**Henry Druid: **  
He lies!  
  
**Brydda: **  
That I know, Henry.   
  
**Henry Druid: **  
Draw your sword against  
The fiend and rid our wat'ring hole of lies!  
  
**Angina: **  
[taking interest, whips out a wand]  
Or I could just turn him into a bushturkey if you'd like?   
  
**Henry Druid:**  
How comes't a child to know such witch'ry?   
  
**Angina: **  
Transfiguration exam last semester…I'm not supposed to use it outside of school though…  
  
**Brydda: **  
Good child, lower your wand. Your mind is of  
A tender and remedial age. I wouldst   
Not taint that boyhood charm, so youthful and  
Impressionable by events of nigh.   
Nay, I will fight him.  
  
**Domick: **  
And thee I shall fight.   
  
**Angina: **  
Fine, I don't even know what I'm doing here…stupid 18th century wannabes…I'm a wizard for pities sake, I think I can handle a little fight! And why am I still holding the **bible**?  
  
[By this time, no one is listening to Angina, and Brydda has drawn a rather sorry looking herring from his jacket pocket, waving it like a sword. Domick looks at him on an angle, takes out one of his guns and aims it at Brydda.]  
  
**Brydda: **  
I am ready.   
  
**Domick: **  
For thy fate?   
  
**Brydda: **  
And thou thine?  
  
[Henry Druid takes the **bible** from Angina quickly and thrusts it to Brydda.]  
  
**Henry Druid: **  
Sir, hold the words true to thy chest and thou  
Shalt receive the protection of the gods!  
  
**Brydda: **  
And **bible**, to my heart ye shall lie safe.   
[puts it over his heart very obviously]  
For my Fate, and thine, Domick, rides close.   
  
**Domick:**  
Enough of this deference of my revenge!  
Drop thy herring, and **bible** too, and face  
Thy death!  
  
[It happens quickly; Brydda throws the herring at Domick; Domick fires the gun; Angina gives a disconcerted flick of his wand; Henry Druid sneezes randomly. Smoke engulfs the scene._  
When the dust settles, Brydda and Domick are both lying on the ground, dead. Henry Druid is doubled over, the herring lodged in his mouth – he chokes on it and dies. Angina is dusting his hands off proudly.]_  
  
**Angina: **  
Finally, I was getting sick of that lot.   
  
[Angina picks up his broomstick and moves to exit, but is stopped by a franticly-running Elii, who is flanked by a large red bird - Atthis.]  
  
**Elii:**  
[calling]  
Master, I have return from my absence  
And bring this mightly Agyllian to  
Stand with thee, and thy, against this foe.   
[waves hand to clear the last of the dust]  
But where is my master? Brave lad, do tell!  
Hast he foiled the traitor so quick? Where for?  
  
Angina turns doubtfully towards Brydda.   
  
**Atthis:**  
He hath fallen into shadow, we come  
Too late, Elii.   
  
**Elii: **  
It cannot be so!  
[Leans over Brydda and clasps hand.]  
Oh why, so fair, so young, so strong, master!  
Why must thou die?  
  
**Angina: **  
It's Shakespeare, you twat. All the main characters have to die, it's a rule.   
  
**Elii: **  
And so he must. So it be said that he  
Died for the words, the poetic device   
That is tragedy; a hero, so brave  
Immortalized forever by the art.   
  
**Atthis: **  
Thou art forgetting one thing, good Elii.   
  
**Elii: **  
Wise Atthis, tell me what I have forgot.   
  
**Atthis: **  
I shall, if thou wouldst listen. Thou must now  
Make the decision; to lead in thy good   
Master's stead; keep the Rebellion alive  
In men's minds and hearts. Or to follow him.  
  
**Elii: **  
Follow my master into the shadow?   
  
**Angina: **  
…Yeah…!! That's right!! Shouldn't you er…avenge the great Rebel Leader Brydda's death by taking your own life or…something else equally selfishly righteous? Exile? I could transfigure you into a toad? A newt? How about a jolly badger?  
  
**Elii:**  
Lad, your wit is a lightweight on my heart.   
But alas, this hour shall be my last.   
For Atthis speaks truth; I must follow.   
He was my leader, so I did follow  
Everywhere – and now too in death.   
So please, leave me to my grieving, to my  
Honour that is this happy herring.  
[Elii takes the herring out of Henry Druid's mouth and holds it to his chest.]   
Oh happy herring, this is thy sheath.   
  
[Elii slaps himself in the face with the herring, and slumps over Brydda's body, dead.]   
  
**Angina: **  
Thank Lud!!  
  
**Atthis: **  
Lud? Indeed, child, you have seen into the   
Heart of this matter; for was it not a  
Book of the fiery and false deity  
That from whence these sad events did commence?   
Doth this not prove that a false Lud is ruin?   
Can we not all learn from these-  
  
**Angina:**  
Did you hear that?   
  
**Atthis: **  
Pray, what child? The sound of thy own sweet death?   
  
**Angina:**  
Hardly! It was more like a groaning from that direction.  
[Points to the pile that is Brydda and Elii.]  
  
[Atthis hobbles to them and pecks at Brydda, and there is obvious movement]   
  
**Atthis: **  
Good child, thou art right! He is alive!  
  
**Brydda:**  
[Sits up, pushing Elii aside.]  
That I am, it was this **bible** that saved me  
From the bullet, so close to mine own heart.   
  
**Atthis: **  
Can it be true? Art thou not a ghost?  
  
**Angina: **  
[Groans and sits back atop the bar.]  
One could only hope, then it could be ignored.   
  
**Brydda: **  
Wise Atthis, how many times must I say?   
I don't believe in ghosts! Nor so should thy!  
  
**Atthis: **  
Then I shall not.  
  
**Brydda: **  
And I shall be glad.   
  
**Atthis: **  
Then, perchance, the lesson is not that this  
Word of a false-Lud bringeth thy doom?   
  
**Brydda: **  
I fear that the bringer of false-word met his.  
  
**Atthis: **  
Aha! Thou art right! The traitor who sang   
So beauteously of his **bible**  
With wretched intentions did his maker   
Meet this very dark and gloomy night!   
  
**Angina: **  
So…why are we still here? The lesson has been learned, the main characters have died, and the bad guy has been stopped.   
  
**Brydda: **  
Dead? Ah, the lad speaks truth! For is that not  
The pallid and loyal kinsman named Elii?   
What fray hast befallen him so sudden?  
  
**Atthis: **  
The herring.  
  
**Brydda: **  
Nay! By mine own dev'lish sword?  
  
**Atthis: **  
It is so, and how he would have it too.   
  
**Brydda: **  
[Sinks dramatically to his knees, and places the **bible** on Elii's chest.]  
May these well placed words that so sav'd my life  
Guide thee, dearest kinsman, to the next life.   
  
**Angina: **  
Amen! Now, can someone tell me how to get back to Obernewtyn?   
  
**Atthis: **  
Take thy broomstick, and fly with the winds, child!  
And now I must also depart, to the   
Eyrie aloft the Land of thee, humans.   
  
[Exit Atthis with a flash of red feathers.]  
  
**Angina: **  
No kidding.   
'Bye Brydda.   
  
[Exit Angina on broomstick._  
Spotlight targets Brydda, who is still looking mournful]_  
  
**Brydda: **  
Fare thee well, child of Obernewtyn. How   
I am grieved that thou had to witness the  
Bickering in the likeness of a hoarde   
Of rabid cattle aft chewing much greenthorn.   
But, what now for the Rebellion? Am I   
Fit to be their leader, so broken and   
Unable to weild a herring without   
It straying into such innocent hands?   
For indeed:  
[sung, touching the **bible**]  
The greatest gift,  
You'll ever earn,  
Is that of Faith,   
A **Bible**, son, you've earned.   
[fade out on Brydda, as he lowers his face into his hands] ****

**End!**


End file.
